Timo Meier became the greatest hockey player on the planet with a heroic 5-goal game

Kavin Mistry. Getty Images.

Over the past 5 seasons, Timo Meier has been an excellent NHL player. He was a top 10 draft pick for the San Jose Sharks in 2015. He scored 30 goals in 2018-19. He’s the kind of player you can count on for 50 points in a season. And this year he was named to the Pacific Division All-Star Team. Very good player, but I don’t know if anyone was talking about the generational talent Timo Meier.

Then this psychopath decided to wake up, pee in the morning, eat a bowl of Cheerios, hit the rink, and become the most dominant player in NHL history today. It all started 3 minutes into the Sharks game against Los Angeles when Timo got the party started with the game’s first goal.

His 16th goal of the season. Pretty decent, but that sick bastard was just warming up. It was time to get selfish. It was time to get greedy. So just under 19 minutes into the 1st half, it was Timo Time again.

There was only 12 minutes left to play in the 1st half. No way he can secure the hat in the 1st, right?


21 seconds later, I hope you weren’t wearing your favorite hat at the Shark Tank because that shit was headed straight for the ice.

Decent first 20 minutes of the night for Timo Meier. I don’t think anyone would blame him if he just took the rest of the night. He’s already done his job, he just has to ride the rest of the day. But once again, Timo Meier became the greatest hockey player on the planet and he wasn’t going to let those superpowers go to waste. Even after a quick break and another layer of ice during intermission, Timo Meier came out on his first shift of the 2nd period and kept the party going.

ROOSTER. 4 goals in one game. If Joe Thornton pulled out his dick if he scored four goals. He pulled out his cock, stroking it. Just over 6 minutes of ice time. 5 strokes. 4 goals. What a weirdo. At this point, if you redo the 2015 draft, McDavid goes to Buffalo.

UPDATE: As I was writing this blog, TIMO MEIER SCORED HIS 5TH GOAL OF THE EVENING. The man is unstoppable! What a threat to society. Make only 5 goals in 11:38 YOU.

Timo couldn’t put his 6th in the 3rd despite some good chances. Probably in the best interests of the broadcast. It would have been very difficult for them to scramble this huge pig when he brought in his 6th of the game. But 5 goals on 6 shots in 18 minutes, not a bad day at all.


Catherine J. Martinez